The Complete Set Of Blonde Jokes
There are 44 story and one liner jokes.
I told my blonde girlfriend that I was going skeet shooting.
She told me she didn't know how to cook them.
This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when
the blonde said to her boyfriend, "Is it true that if you pull
your finger out, I'll sink?"
A dumb Blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly
Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, "Before you get to come into
Heaven, you have to pass a test."
"Oh, No!" she said but Saint Peter said not to worry he'd make it easy.
"Who was God's son?" said Saint Peter.
The dumb Blonde thought for a few minutes and said "Andy!"
"That's interesting... What made you say that?" said Saint Peter
Then She started to sing "Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me!
Andy tells me..."
Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out
a book called "How to Hug"? Got back to the dorm and found out it
was volume seven of the encyclopaedia...
A blonde's response to the comment, "THINK about it!":
"I don't have to think -- I'm blonde!"
A government study has shown that blondes do have more fun - they
just don't remember who with.
... then there was the blonde who started the restaurant with the
slogan "Billions Served - just today"
What about the blonde who gave birth to twins?
Her husband is out looking for the other man.
A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In
the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor
wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out
"GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room she told the painter she would
like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked
to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was
somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said
she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this
down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"
The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"
"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying
sod across the street.
Did you hear about the blonde who
had more on her body than on her mind?
was called "Sanka" because she had no active ingredient in the bean?
took an hour to cook Minute Rice?
got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?
was an M.D. - Mentally Deficient?
had a terrific stairway, but nothing upstairs?
thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?
was told she was a silly puss, but insisted she didn't have a crazy cat?
after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn't get taller girls?
went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?
brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?
Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of
their Mercedes with a coat hanger:
Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting
to rain and the top is down!
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the
Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."
Bartender:"What is a B and C?".
Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."
Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."
Bartender: "What's a G and T?"
Redhead: "Gin and tonic."
Blonde: "I'll have a 15."
Bartender: "What's a 15?"
Blonde: "7 and 7"
Two brunettes and a blonde are in the hospital awaiting the
arrival of their first children. The 1st brunette says, "I just
know I'm going to have a girl, 'cuz I conceived while I was
on my back". The 2nd brunette says, "Mine's going to be a
boy, 'cuz I was on top during conception". The blonde says,
"Uh-oh! I'm going to have a puppy!"
There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pre-natal
checkups. The doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the
baby conceived ?"
"He was on top ", she replied.
"You will have a boy !" the doctor exclaimed.
The second woman was asked the same question.
"I was on top ", was the reply.
"you will have a baby girl. " said the doctor.
With this, the third women, a blond, burst into tears.
"Whats the matter ?" asked the doc.
"Am I going to have puppies ?".....
They take a lickin', and keep on...
Did you hear the one about the blonde who thought that "love handles"
referred to her ears?
Over the weekend I(can't remember name - on newsgrazer) heard a
blonde telling this joke:
*Blonde Asks: What do you call a blonde in between two
*Blonde Answers: An interprolater!
*We were laughing so hard we thought we were going to die. The
*part was that she thought we were laughing at her joke.
Did you here about the blonde that stayed up all night to see
where the sun went ? It finally dawned on here.
A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw
a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute,
she said to herself "oh well !" and turned around an drove home.
On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said
"CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles,
she had cleaned 43 restrooms.
How about the suicide blonde,
she dyed by her own hand.
A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The
brunette says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie". The
blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?"
A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the
wrong way on a one-way street.
Cop: Do you know where you were going?
Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the
people were leaving.
A cop stops a blonde woman who was driving down a motorway.
"Miss, may I see your driver's licence please?"
"Driver's licence? What's that?..."
"It's a little card with your picture on it."
"Oh, duh! Here it is..."
"May I have your car insurance?"
"It's a document that says you are allowed to drive the
"Oh this? Duh! Here you go..."
The cop then takes his dick out of his pants, while the
blonde exclaims:"Oh no, not another breathalyzer test!"
Hubby: As a start I think you should learn to "iron", then we
could do without the ironing lady.
Blonde Wife: Well, if you would learn to fuck me properly we
could do without the gardener.
A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends:
Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!
Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred.
Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.
Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you mean with one guy.
Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of
them decides to call 911:
Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing
a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde: No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and
we all fell and hurt ourselves.
There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a
redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the
mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced,
"I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles,
and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and
she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if
she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland
than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The
redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam
out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was
too tired to go on, so she drowned.
So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it!
I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles,
ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore
was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So
she swam back.
Teller: Why did the blonde move to L.A.?
Blonde: I don't know. Why?
Teller: It was easier to spell.
Blonde: Easier than what?
Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down
and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks." The other blonde looks
and says "Those arn't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks." "No.
Those are deer tracks." They keep arguing, and arguing, and one
half hour later they were both killed by a train.
The blonde came running downstairs, crying. Her mother asked what
was wrong and the blonde said her boyfriend had just dropped her.
Her mother (a blonde) nodded wisely and proceeded to tell her
about the birds and the bees and the blonde said: "No ma. I can
fuck and suck with the best of them. But he says I can't cook"
Confucious say: blonde who fly upside down have crack up.
At a carwash in Burbank, there were two identical Hondas coming out
at the same time. A beautiful blond woman jumps into one and takes
off, leaving its owner rather perplexed. About three minutes later,
she reappears at the car wash yelling, "who ripped off my car phone!"
Last night I went home to my blonde girlfriend, and told her I was going
to screw her brains out. Then I realized I was too late.
A blonde friend of mine was looking for some transportation, so I bought
her a Woody. I called her up later and asked how she like it. She told
me it was OK, but that it didn't look so good once she had taken it out
of the crate.
This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop. His boss comesout and tell him that he has to leave for a while, and "can you handle it?"
The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's positive comments
he finally agrees.
So, the guy is there by himself for a little while and a white woman comes in.
A blonde goes into the drug store to buy some rubbers (so she can
practice safe sex). She walks up to the pharmicist and asks "How
much for a box of rubbers?"
"They're $1 for a box of 3," he replied, "Plus 6 cents for the tax."
"Oh," said the blonde, "I wondered how they kept them on."
Another blonde, another store. She goes over to the deodorant display
and tells the clerk "I need to buy some deodorant for my husband."
"Does he use the ball kind?" enquired the clerk.
"No," replied the blonde, "The kind for under his arms."
She asks, "How much for the white dildo?"
He answers, "$35."
She: "How much for the black one?"
He: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one."
She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before."
She pays him, and off she goes.
A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black
She: "How much for the white one?"
He: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one."
She: "Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one
She pays him, and off she goes.
About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are
He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black."
She: "Hmmmmm....how much is that plaid one on the shelf?"
He: "Well, that's a very special dildo...it'll cost you $165."
She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never
had a plaid one before...."
She pays him, and off she goes.
Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?"
To which the saleman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo,
one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!"
Imitation of a blonde refuelling..
(Flap hand, blowing air into ears)
After many hours of extremely acrobatic and exhausting sex with a blonde he had
just picked up, a man goes into the kitchen for some food to replenish
his just-spent energy. He pours himself a glass of milk and right before
drinking it, he realizes his manhood is still pretty hot, so he sticks
it in the glass to cool it off. Just then the blonde walks in
and says, "Oh, I always wondered how you refilled those."
A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that
her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and
Shoulders" and it cleared it up. The blonde asked inquisitively,
"How do you give shoulders?"
Person 1: What's the difference between a blonde and garbage?
Person 2: Garbage gets taken out at least once a week.
Person 1: Wrong. You tie the garbage up before you take it out.
Did you hear what the blonde who was opening a new bar said when her
lawyer explained to her that she needed a liquor license?
"Oh, it's not gonna be THAT kind of a bar. That's disgusting!"
There was a blonde driving down the road listening to the radio.
The announcer was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde
was mad enough she turned her radio off. A mile down the road, she saw
another blonde out in a corn field in a boat rowing. The blonde stopped
her car jumped out and yelled, "You bimbo, it's blondes like you that
give us all a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there and give you
what's coming to you!"
A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state
capitals (or for Bill Clinton capitols). She proudly said," go ahead,
ask me, I know all of them."
A red head said, "O.K., what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy, 'W'."
A blonde was walking along, when she looked up to observe a bird flying
overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it was directly over
her. The blonde says, "Good thing I had my mouth open, or that would've
hit me right in the face!!!"
Or: "Good thing that cows don't fly.
Blonde Medical Terminology
- occurring yearly
- study of paintings
- back door of cafeteria
- what doctors do when treatment fails
- letter like A.E.I.O.U
- Caesarian section
- district in Rome
- Cat scan
- searching for kitty
- Made eye contact with her
- sheep dog
- a punctuation mark
- where Washington is
- journal of daily events
- to live long
- not a friend
- a small lie
- G.I. Series
- soldiers' ball game
- distinguished, well known
- Intense pain
- torture in a teepee
- Labour pain
- got hurt at work
- Medical staff
- doctor's cane
- higher offer
- cheaper than day rate
- was aware of
- person who had fainted
- Pap smear
- fatherhood test
- cousin of Elvis
- Post operative
- letter carrier
- favouring young people
- damn near killed 'em
- Recovery room
- place to do upholstery
- rolled tobacco leaf
- hiding anything
- Roman emperor
- study of knighthood
- small tablet
- Terminal illness
- sickness at airport
- country in North Africa
- an extra pair
- opposite of you're out
- located nearby
This is the most complete set of blonde jokes I have seen.
This is the updated version, with (I think) all duplications removed.
If you have a question, request for the jokes, duplication to point
out, or one you think should be included, mail
Disclaimer: These are not my jokes, I only compiled them, any complaints
should be posted on rec.humor, or directed towards your local congressman.
Troy C. Belding